世界上最疼愛我的那個人永遠地走了

                        發布時間:2019-01-07 22:42 作者:admin 瀏覽數:

                            
                          一堆黃土,無情地阻隔了我與父親的今生和來世。
                          
                          我不敢閉眼,也不敢睜開眼。我不知道該怎樣放置自己,我所有的記憶,所有的日子里,全是父親的身影與笑意,我不相信從此的我就這樣永遠地與父親天人相隔,永遠無法再去找到追憶的窗口。
                          
                          父親沒有走,我固執地以為,或許他只是去了某個地方,做一次他奢望已久的短暫旅行。我生生地找尋父親留下的氣息,我口無遮攔地拿著電話對母親喊出了:“爸爸呢?要他接電話。”我忘了半月前那所有鉆心的記憶,我不敢相信父親就這樣走了……只是母親的泣哭聲驀然讓我驚醒,我才從那不堪回首的痛中回過神來,那堆黃土,那搖曳的幡旗,告知著我父親最后的歸宿。永遠地,我與父親已沒有拌嘴相對的機會。父親,真的走了,世界上那個最疼愛我的人真的永遠地走了……
                          
                          記得1月31日那天接侄子的電話,我趕往醫院。我不敢相信,躺在床上那個無助如同孩子的老人就是父親您,您一向健康、樂觀、怎么可能?面對您孩子般時,我不敢哭,我害怕,我強裝開心。您一生為人正直、善良、寬容、堅韌,年輕時被打成“右派”,文化大革命,平反后車禍,一生命運多舛,老來好日子才剛開始,用您的話說:“夕陽無限好,不怕近黃昏。”兒女孝順,生活不愁,卻因了這可怕的病。
                          
                          還記得三十那天,能回家的病人都回家了,看著留在醫院為數不多的人,看著父親無助的眼神,我的淚忍不住流了下來,這種特殊情況注定了那天的冷清。以往的那個日子,都是父母親忙得不亦樂乎的時候,而今年因了父親躺在病床上,連床都不讓下,何況回家,那只能成為一種奢望,那天我和家人做了簡單地年夜飯給父母親打包送入病房,這是我記憶中他們第一次缺席的年夜飯,冷清中透出幾絲辛酸和擔憂。
                          
                          年,我們與父親相伴相隨。很多天前,在父親住院期間,我曾寫過一篇《靠近春暖花開的日子》,那里有我的祈愿,希望奇跡出現,希望父親能在某個春暖花開的日子里,迎著久違的陽光走上回家的路,回到久別的家中,因為我深信,春天是給人希望、向往的季節。然而這已成為了永久的遺憾,父親還是走了,在那個春暖花開的春日,永遠地離開了我們,離開了曾經給予他太多坎坷、痛苦、絕望、希望和眷念的土地,離開了他摯愛一生,生死相隨的愛人……我的母親。我無法想,在離開的那一瞬,父親有過怎樣的痛;怎樣的無奈;怎樣的不愿;怎樣的不舍;怎樣的身不由己啊!
                          
                          2013年3月3日淩晨的4點50分,那是我今后歲月中刻骨的記憶,有關您對我太多的疼愛,只能永久地定格在了那個日子,為什么,只有在天人永隔后我才記起您的溫暖?為什么在我無法牽您的手后,才記起您的笑顏?為什么,父親,您可以舍下您的一切?舍下我們兄弟姊妹與同樣年邁的母親?那定格的笑容;那虛弱的手勢;那大年三十無助的眼神;那離開前一天對我的哭訴;那眼中無奈的絕望!為什么我就不懂您?都說女兒是貼心的小棉襖,我哪里,分明像根扎進您靈魂深處的一根刺啊!讓您擔憂,讓您不安!如今想起我無法原諒自己的疏忽機械和大意。假如,如果有假如,我依然愿意與您作父女;我依然愿意作您最疼愛的小女兒;我依然愿意聆聽您的教誨;只是一切不再可能。
                          
                          輕輕地,日子已在我的不舍與追思中溜走了半月,只是我依然無法接受您離去的事實。我以為您一定只是在某個地方睡著了,所以我自欺欺人地不曾也不敢大哭。
                          
                          在您走前的那段日子,我想您最大的心愿就是與母親回到家中,而我與所有的人都固執地以為讓您留在醫院是真的為了您好,其實我們都忘了最重要的一點,孝順二字的含義,順就是孝啊!我們都沒能順著您的意愿,又何來孝一說啊!您因了絕望選擇徹底地離開,帶著您無法訴說的遺憾,父親,假如您真泉下有知,懇請您原諒我們無知的孝啊!我們的好心卻成為了您離去的致命理由,父親,您走后的日子,我每天都生活在愧疚與不安中,我找不出原諒自己的理由啊!如果可以換回您的重生,我愿舍棄一切。
                          
                          縈繞在您墳頭的桃花已開,那漫山遍野的油菜花更是開得眩目。父親,在那遙遠的天國,是否花期依舊?是否您依然在那文字的世界里忙碌?愿不曾走得太遠的您一路走好!我依然是您今生最疼愛的女兒,也是您來生最疼愛的女兒!
                          
                          透過母親的淚眼,有一種記憶也永遠地定格在了2013年的3月3日凌晨,我必須活著。只是世界上最疼愛我的那個人永遠地走了……

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