致那個我愛著且沒在一起的人

                        發布時間:2019-01-07 22:42 作者:admin 瀏覽數:

                            
                          文/上官婉兒
                          
                          我喜歡的你,聽說已經結婚了,生了個男娃。知道這些消息時我只有淡淡地失落,并無怨懟。我們曾經是一個圈子的,那時候朋友也多,大家面對這個社會時都一樣的稚嫩。
                          
                          你說,“告訴我你家在哪?”
                          
                          我嬉皮笑臉地答,“你要干嘛?”
                          
                          你同樣嬉皮笑臉,“我要提親啊!”我身子抖的像篩子一樣,只笑不語。
                          
                          你是給過我機會的,各種明示暗示,也終于讓遲鈍的我明白,你是喜歡我的,其實只要我勇敢一點,向著你往前走一步去回應這份喜歡,現在也許就不是這種樣子了。
                          
                          或許,狐朋狗友們包括你,見慣了我嘻嘻哈哈,大大咧咧各種無所謂的樣子,卻沒有人知道愛情是我的硬傷,它亙在那里,不上不下,像個魔障一樣很容易就能擊中我的軟肋,我除不去,只能選擇一種能讓自己好受些的方式去偽裝。所以,當你給我選擇的時候,我只能無所謂地說,“我是配不上你的人!”這并不是矯情也不是拒絕的借口,這是實話。
                          
                          我出身不好,是從土溝溝里爬出的農村娃,那種很苦很苦的地方,一步一步終于到這座浮華的城。我爸爸的年齡都趕上我們同齡人爺爺的年齡了,我媽媽是個殘疾人,我還有個弟弟,在我要上大學的時候,我爸爸媽媽失去了經濟來源,我弟弟也因此而被迫輟學,我大學是靠打工和助學貸款完成的。我記得在家里當我弟弟搶著幫我干活時,并哭著跟我說,“姐,我想念書,你去跟爸說說”。我準備很多說辭并自信滿滿去求我爸時,我爸露出的那種深深地無奈,讓我明白痛苦的人并不只是我和弟弟,我一句話都說不出來,任何言語在貧窮面前都失去了力量。弟弟,是我心中的疤,我總感覺如果不是因為我,他會有另外一種人生,而這些是我這輩子都還不清的,也終將跟隨我一生。
                          
                          我的家人是我這輩子的責任,他們是我最重要的人,勝過我自己,這種責任是任何東西都要為其讓路的,包括愛情。這些事情甚少對人說起,連身邊最好的朋友都不知道,它一直是我心底的秘密,并不是因為我感覺恥辱,而是我受不起憐憫。
                          
                          在遇到你之前,我也遇到過很多其他的男人,什么樣的都有,有錢的沒錢的,帥的不帥的,好的孬的。在慢慢的熟識中,他們大都能接受我,卻無法接受我的家庭,或者確切地說無法接受我對我家人的付出,不愿意同我一起承擔。這些我都理解,因為我也是在這現實生活中浮沉,我太明白,都是凡人,自保已是不易,難救他人。
                          
                          這些事情你從不知曉,也沒必要知曉,也希望你一輩子都別知曉。
                          
                          當初我拒絕你的時候,我不知道你有多少難過,但是我想我比你傷心,盡管那時我依然能和你向往常一樣嘻嘻哈哈,聊天打屁。后來,我離開了那個圈子,后來,你也離開了那個圈子,再后來聽說你結婚了,娃都有了,那個她是我們都認識的人,以前的朋友們都說那個她有那么多地方像我,但我想我和她是不像的,她比我有福氣多了。會有很多人罵我活該吧,缺乏勇氣,是的,我承認,在愛情面前我一直做逃兵。我很自卑,因為我深知我能給予的東西太少了。我們這個年紀談“愛情”是昂貴的,動不動就房啊車啊,婚姻也變成速食,談戀愛不再是為了耍流氓,而是希望領著紅本本,帶上娃一起奔著宅米油鹽醬醋茶的生活去了。這世界如此現實和物質,太多的人依托愛情和婚姻尋找著的是靠岸的感覺,可有多少人愿意拉著我的手陪我一起還在這苦海中掙扎呢?
                          
                          在聽說你和她已經有娃了時候,我很沉默,也不愿意去和你聯系,三五好友小聚談起你時,我甚少插話,我想我和你之間的事,只是我一個人的悲傷,像不小心劃了的一道口子,流過血了,疼了,慢慢地也就結痂了,這種感覺不至于讓我癱瘓,只是因為自己心動了,疼了那么一下下,沒什么了不起。現在的我很坦然,也許你早已經不再喜歡我,而剩下的那些我對你的各種說不清的情感,就讓它隨時光一點點流逝吧。
                          
                          有半年多我們一點都沒聯系,無論多苦多難過,我居然沒有想念過你,一次都沒有。昨天,我們像往常一樣,相談甚歡。我的小心臟還是忍不住為你多跳了兩下,我想我還是喜歡著你的吧,這種感覺我并不討厭,也不害怕。我在你面前,做著一個“哥們”應該有的本分,三言五句,一起笑著哀嘆這苦逼的生活。我想愛情跟友情相比,愛情太金貴脆弱了些,還是友情來的堅強持久,若干年后就算你和我忘了彼此也無所謂。
                          
                          聽著你說,生活的苦惱和壓力,聽著你對前途的未知和迷茫,我深深理解,因為我也一樣,我無法給予安慰和鼓勵,只能附和著,陪同著,一起浮浮沉沉。你在我面前我依然感到溫暖,憶起往日種種,我依然感到開懷。我依然還在喜歡著你,我也能感受到我對你的喜歡在漸漸流逝,我無怨言,也無遺憾。
                          
                          希望你能盡快找到工作,希望你的小寶寶能夠健康成長,也希望在你沒奶粉錢的時候可以向我們這幫狐朋狗友們求助,當然我也希望我一切都好好的,希望有一天會有個人愿意陪我一起掙扎,一起溺死都無所謂。
                          
                          我和你聊的久了些,終歸不好,我選擇結束談話,我嚷著困了,要去睡。你說,“好吧,送給你一個大大的熊抱。”看著你發來的表情小人,努力地揮動著胳膊,我很開心。相比于親吻和性,我更喜歡擁抱,它能讓我感覺溫暖和安心,一夜好眠,謝謝你的熊抱。
                          
                          以后,我和你應該不會再有什么交集了,會各自煩惱,各自開心,身邊陪著不同的人,可我依然感謝你曾在我的生命里出現過,回想你起時我依然開心,這對我來說,算是好的結果了。

                        (責任編輯:admin)
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