總有一個人要先走_

                        發布時間:2019-05-04 18:04 作者:admin 瀏覽數:

                          

                          文/巫涼

                          爸爸被查出身患肺癌那天,媽媽并沒有表現得過度傷心,她只是怔了好久,然后悄悄抹掉了眼角的淚花。

                          爸爸也很冷靜。在詳細咨詢了醫生、得知化療的過程和結果后,他獨自在房間里待了一天,出來吃晚飯的時候宣布,他拒絕治療。在我和妻子小季的勸說和反對聲中,媽媽始終沉默著,一聲不響地往爸爸碗里夾了幾筷子菜。

                          爸爸有醫保,治療費用家里能承擔,但爸爸堅持不治療。他說接受治療不過是延長數月至大半年的壽命,他不愿意把自己最后的人生放在醫院,在那里接受一次又一次痛苦的化療。在所剩不多的時日里,他希望過自己想要的生活。

                          媽媽沉默了許久,最后說了句:“讓我們回老家吧,你爸一直想家。”我和小季結婚后,把從學校退休后住到農村的爸媽接到了身邊。但爸媽時常懷念農村出門就可見到的田園河流,喜歡鄰里間淳樸的家常往來,不習慣大城市里的壞空氣。

                          第三天,我和小季就將他們送回了農村老家。回去以后,他們的日子竟然也過得從從容容。

                          荒蕪已久的院子被打理得生機勃勃,爸爸隔三岔五去花市,買來許多花、樹,雇三輪車拉回家種下。我和小季每周回去看他們,小院里的花一次比一次開得繁盛。

                          爸爸瘦弱的身體穿梭在灌木叢里扶鋤松土,媽媽在院子一角拎桶接水澆灌。我勸媽媽:“爸爸身體不好,你勸勸他,別操心這些事了。”媽媽回答:“勸不動,他做得高興,就隨他去吧。”

                          媽媽退休前是教植物課的,一輩子最喜歡的就是花。爸爸悄悄告訴我:“這些都是你媽喜歡的品種,你媽一直想要這樣一個院子。我年輕的時候總覺得自己忙,沒空打理,又覺得日子還長,拖來拖去,居然拖了幾十年。再不著手,就真來不及了。”媽媽的心愿,爸爸原來一直是記在心里的。

                          飯桌上,我看見爸爸并沒有因病忌口,肉和辣椒什么的,只要他想吃的,媽媽都給他做。

                          臨走前,我問爸媽要不要再跟我回去,爸媽拒絕了。爸爸說:“廣兒,爸陪你半輩子,知足了。你媽跟著我半世辛勞,爸剩下的日子不多了,想跟你媽兩個人過點兒清凈日子。這里挺好。”

                          生命最后的日子,爸爸選擇和媽媽一起度過。

                          我和小季每周末都回家看他們。一個周末,媽媽提前打電話過來通知我們不要回去,說有親戚結婚,他們要去參加婚禮,不在家。事后從姑姑口中得知,爸媽是出去旅游了,在云南待了八天。怕我和小季不同意,兩人才商量好瞞著我們。

                          我生氣地責怪爸爸對自己的身體不負責任,責怪媽媽太縱容他了。媽媽后來對我說:“你爸時日不多了,我們就尊重他,讓他把想做的事都做了吧。人活一輩子,終歸是要走的,如果能做到不留缺憾,那就很完美了。”我無言以對。

                          從云南回來后的第二周,爸爸的病情加重了。這一次,我們尊重了爸爸的選擇,沒有去醫院。爸爸在自己家中,在我們的陪伴和注視中,平靜地離開了人世。臨走前,爸爸輕輕叫了一聲媽媽的名字,媽媽把手遞給他,兩雙干瘦的手握到了一起,十幾分鐘后,爸爸走了。

                          爸爸的葬禮上,媽媽井井有條地打理著事務。雖然悲傷,但情緒沒有失控,她還用瘦弱的手臂環住了我因壓抑哭泣而抖動的肩說:“廣兒,不要哭,你爸走了,在那邊再也沒有病痛了。”

                          只是幾個小時以后,送葬的隊伍散去,媽媽還不愿意離開。她讓我和小季先回去:“你們走吧,我想在這兒安靜地陪陪你爸。地底下黑,他一個人太孤獨。”

                          爸爸離世后,媽媽開始旅行。短短半年時間里,她去了三亞、南京和杭州等地。

                          回家看媽媽時,她翻開自己的旅游相冊。我看見在云南時,雖有病態卻一臉滿足的爸爸握著媽媽的手站在洱海前;我看見他們在大理的小巷中悠然并肩前行;我還看見,在媽媽后來獨自去的許多景點照片里,媽媽手上都拿著一張他們的合影。媽媽說:“這都是你爸生前想去的地方。他來不及去,我把他帶過去。”

                          這時,我才第一次讀懂了爸媽之間的深情。

                          “每次在醫院里看見那些求生不能、求死不得的病人,我就慶幸當初沒讓你爸遭罪。我了解你爸,一輩子最要尊嚴,他不怕死,就怕走得不體面。你爸走,我是最傷心的那一個,但是我寧可看著他高高興興地走,也不愿看著他活受罪。我相信換了我,你爸也會這樣做。”媽媽說,“每個人最后都是要走的,就像每一條河、每一條溪,最后都要流向大海一樣。我愿意他從從容容地淌過去,在那兒等著我。”

                          爸媽的愛情,像一片無言的沃土,沒有花哨的張揚,不需要淺薄的表達,卻是彼此人生最可靠、最實在的根基。

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