寫給母親

                        發布時間:2019-03-14 20:13 作者:admin 瀏覽數:

                          

                          文/賈平凹

                          人活著的時候,只是事情多,不計較白天和黑夜。人一旦死了日子就堆起來:算一算,再有二十天,我媽就三周年了。

                          三年里,我一直有個奇怪的想法,就是覺得我媽沒有死,而且還覺得我媽自己也不以為她就死了。常說人死如睡,可睡的人是知道要睡去,睡在了床上,卻并不知道在什么時候睡著的呀。

                          我媽跟我在西安生活了十四年,大病后醫生認定她的各個器官已在衰竭,我才送她回棣花老家維持治療。每日在老家掛上液體了,她也清楚每一瓶液體完了,兒女們會換上另一瓶液體的,所以便放心地閉了眼躺著。

                          到了第三天的晚上,她閉著的眼是再沒有睜開,但她肯定還是認為她在掛液體了,沒有意識到從此再不醒來,因為她躺下時還讓我妹把給她擦臉的毛巾洗一洗,梳子放在了枕邊,系在褲帶上的鑰匙沒有解,也沒有交代任何后事啊。

                          三年以前我每打噴嚏,總要說一句:這是誰想我呀?我媽愛說笑,就接茬說:誰想哩,媽想哩!這三年里,我的噴嚏尤其多,往往錯過吃飯時間,熬夜太久,就要打噴嚏,噴嚏一打,便想到我媽了,認定是我媽還在牽掛我哩。

                          我媽在牽掛著我,她并不以為她已經死了,我更是覺得我媽還在,尤其我一個人靜靜地待在家里,這種感覺就十分強烈。我常在寫作時,突然能聽到我媽在叫我,叫得很真切,一聽到叫聲我便習慣地朝右邊扭過頭去。

                          從前我媽坐在右邊那個房間的床頭上,我一伏案寫作,她就不再走動,也不出聲,卻要一眼一眼看著我,看得時間久了,她要叫我一聲,然后說:世上的字你能寫完嗎,出去轉轉么。現在,每聽到我媽叫我,我就放下筆走進那個房間,心想我媽從棣花來西安了?

                          當然是房間里什么也沒有,卻要立上半天,自言自語我媽是來了又出門去街上,給我買我愛吃的青辣子和蘿卜了。或許,她在逗我,故意藏到掛在墻上的她那張照片里,我便給照片前的香爐里上香,要說上一句:我不累。

                          整整三年了,我給別人寫過十多篇文章,卻始終沒給我媽寫過一個字,因為所有的母親,兒女們都認為是偉大又善良,我不愿意重復這些詞語。我媽是一位普通的婦女,纏過腳,沒有文化,戶籍還在鄉下,但我媽對于我是那樣的重要。

                          已經很長時間了,雖然再不為她的病而提心吊膽了,可我出遠門,再沒有人啰啰嗦嗦地叮嚀著這樣叮嚀著那樣,我有了好吃的好喝的,也不知道該送給誰去。

                          在西安的家里,我媽住過的那個房間,我沒有動一件家具,一切擺設還原模原樣,而我再沒有看見過我媽的身影。我一次又一次難受著又給自己說,我媽沒有死,她是住回鄉下老家了。今年的夏天太濕太熱,每晚被濕熱醒來,恍惚里還想著該給我媽的房間換個新空調了。待清醒過來,又寬慰著我媽在鄉下的新住處里,應該是清涼的吧。

                          三周年的日子一天天臨近,鄉下的風俗是要辦一場儀式的,我準備著香燭花果,回一趟棣花了。但一回棣花,就要去墳上,現實告訴著我,媽是死了,我在地上,她在地下,陰陽兩隔,母子再也難以相見,頓時熱淚肆流,長聲哭泣啊。

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